{"id":26,"date":"2021-09-06T15:47:51","date_gmt":"2021-09-06T14:47:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/?p=26"},"modified":"2021-09-06T15:47:51","modified_gmt":"2021-09-06T14:47:51","slug":"inside-the-depressed-mind","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/?p=26","title":{"rendered":"INSIDE THE DEPRESSED MIND…"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I have recently been watching the Caroline Flack and Roman Kemp documentaries on suicide and mental health and it has prompted me into writing what happened to me in the hope it would help someone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have always been a happy go lucky person and in my younger days could not understand how anxiety and depression could be so debilitating for some. I was the kind of person that thought you just need to \u2018pull your socks up\u2019 and get on with it but luckily for me, I had never experienced proper anxiety and depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, looking back, I can see I have always worried about what people thought about me and that people liked me and I could easily lose a nights sleep obsessing over whether something I had said had hurt someone\u2019s feelings or been taken the wrong way, but I never let it take over my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In more recent years, I am not ashamed to say I suffered anxiety and depression at a level that I don\u2019t think any of my friends or family have ever known. It completely took over my life and the person I thought I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My depression and anxiety were caused by the breakdown of my marriage and the events associated with this and, although it was the darkest days of my life, I am so pleased I have experienced that depth of sadness and overwhelm to be able to help my clients now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everyone is different but if I try to describe my depression it would be a constant feeling of nervousness inside, wanting to cry but the tears won\u2019t come then when they do come, the tears won\u2019t stop. The feeling of complete sadness and feeling so alone that it completely consumed my thoughts day and night. Not being able to understand why I was feeling so sad and anxious which added to the sadness and anxiety. Feeling that everything was my fault and that perhaps this was all \u2018karma\u2019 for being a bad person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To illustrate what a hidden illness it is, I used to walk into the playground in the morning, happy, smiling, chatting like everything as fine then walking home with the tears flowing uncontrollably.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would stand in the shower and sob until I had no tears left or silently cry myself to sleep night after night, praying that my partner couldn\u2019t hear me as I was so embarrassed that I couldn\u2019t cope with life. I would even wake in the middle of the night crying but not knowing why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would lose patience with my children as I was so distracted by my irrational thoughts and then beat myself up that I had got cross with them, when they were just trying to talk to me. This made me, in my opinion, the worst mum in the world which supported my negative beliefs about myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was so ashamed, embarrassed and lonely and would desperately wish for help but would try not to let anyone know just how sad I was, as I would feel bad that people were worrying about me and feel ashamed that I could not pull myself together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My family, partner and friends checked in on me daily, hourly sometimes and I knew they were only at the end of the phone but the loneliness was something I have never experienced before. Only I was in my head with those thoughts and beliefs about myself and no-one could help me. No-one could tell me what to do or fix my pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would stare at my phone endlessly, checking FaceBook, emails, messages, completely in a daze, wasting hours of time as I could not muster the energy or inclination to do anything else. Time seemed to stop whilst my depression and anxiety was continuous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I would look in the mirror and feel disgusted at the way I looked but had no motivation, energy or desire to change it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When my depression hit its peak, I was going through a pretty horrendous time and was left in personal financial difficulty, along with having the worry of the collapse of the family business.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During this time the simplest of tasks became impossible. Having had 18 years of working in a bank in customer service, training and development and complaints, I found myself in a position where I could not even focus on how to call the Council to tell them I was now a single occupier and had to get my Dad to come and talk me through it. This was one of my very lowest and embarrassing points.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was struggling financially and this, to me, apart from the literal daily struggle, was the most humiliating and and embarrassing thing. Although so many people were offering to help me and all I had to do was ask, to me I was a complete failure and could not provide for my babies. This was one of the most heartbreaking things for me. Everyone kept saying just ask if you need help but I couldn\u2019t ask as that proved what a complete failure I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I used to get in from the school run and think is it too early to have a glass of wine (afternoon school run!) as the wine would numb the pain for the rest of the evening. I wasn\u2019t getting drunk each night but drinking at least half a bottle each night and more at the weekends, which was not good and was not me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was suffering constant headaches and repeatedly popping Anadin and Ibuprofen to try and stop the pain but these, on top of the alcohol, gave me stomach ulcers but I didn\u2019t care. I was being sick after every meal because of the ulcers but it just didn\u2019t matter anymore. Daily I would be throwing up and sobbing just wishing it would all end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just a few days later after the Council Tax incident, I found myself sat on my kitchen floor, facing the washing machine sobbing and I did not know how or why I was there. I assume I was sorting out the washing but my mind just stopped as I could take no more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I did not want to harm myself but I wished something would happen to me to take me away from the pain. It\u2019s a bit embarrassing to say now and I have not told many people this, but thoughts went through my head that if I got run over or got ill, but not enough to kill me, I would be put in hospital for a while, then I would not have to cope with daily life for a while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This, I felt, would be my get out clause but as I hadn\u2019t done it to myself, I would not be letting down my family. Letting down my family was my biggest cause of sadness and I could not make them any more ashamed of me (in my mind).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was at this desperate point I called my Mum and she pleaded with me to go to the GP and get some help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I knew this would result in anti-depressants, which to me at that point in time, just reinforced the fact that I was a failure and weak, needing help. This proved I really was as useless and pathetic as I thought I was. Reluctantly, I made the appointment and went along, head hung in shame, defeated by life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I got there I saw a Mum from the school and she could see how upset I was and asked why I was there. I will never forget what she said to me that day and hope these words of wisdom may help someone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I explained, eyes full of tears, shaking uncontrollably, that I was not coping and that I couldn\u2019t sleep, focus or even function, my lovely friend said to me \u2018Ky, if you had a constant stomach ache, would you go to the Doctor?\u2019 So I said \u2018of course\u2019 and she said \u2018this is no different, something is wrong in your brain and you need medication to fix it\u2019. She reassured me she had been on medication for many years and she would not even try to cope without it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she said this everything changed for me in that split second, I realised that I wasn\u2019t well due to factors out of my control and I needed medication to make me better. I no longer felt any shame or that I was weak for needing help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another analogy that I like to use with my clients is that antidepressants are like a cast, when you have broken a bone. The cast holds your arm in place and provides the strength and protection whilst the bone heals from inside. Antidepressants take away some of the tears, anxiety, lack of sleep etc., and enable you to function more normally. Once you are able to do this, you can start to heal from within to the point when one day you might not need the medication anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Antidepressants replace a chemical imbalance of Serotonin in the brain and Scientists have proven there is a correlation between depression and lack of Serotonin. It is not known if the depression causes the lack of Serotonin or the lack of Serotonin causes the depression, but either way there is a link. Therefore, medication is needed to regulate the levels to improve mental wellbeing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was the start of my recovery\u2026.slowly but surely, I was able to see clearer, through lots of therapy alongside my own training to be a Counsellor, I was able to heal myself from within whilst my \u2018Serotonin Cast\u2019 held me in place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was able to start exercising, stop drinking, my sleep improved which helped reduce the headaches and so I was not taking so much medication and my ulcers started to heal. I was able to start to ask for help!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My therapy enabled me to rationalise my negative thoughts, that were causing me feel a certain way, and to identify my core beliefs that were not helpful, i.e. my belief that I had to be able to solely provide for my children and if I could not do this I was a failure. My belief that I should not ask for help because this would make me a failure too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I also learned that everyone is responsible for their own actions and if someone behaves badly towards me, they had made that choice and it was not my fault. And my biggest tip that I will share with anyone that will listen, is that someone can only hurt you if you \u2018allow\u2019 them to. Do not give anyone the \u2018power\u2019, the power is yours!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am sorry for the long blog but if my experience encourages just one person to reach out for help, then it was worth it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hope my story helps people to understand that anxiety and depression happens to anyone and can be caused by many things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I still have days when I cry but I now know that\u2019s OK and I have so many tools to stop myself before it escalates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please don\u2019t ever be alone, there is always someone out there to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Me with my beautiful at the peak of my depression!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

#anti depressants<\/a>, #anxiety<\/a>, #counselling<\/a>, #depression<\/a>, #essex counsellors<\/a>, #mental health<\/a>, #suicide<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have recently been watching the Caroline Flack and Roman Kemp documentaries on suicide and mental health and it has prompted me into writing what happened to me in the hope it would help someone else. I have always been a happy go lucky person and in my younger days could not understand how anxiety […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-26","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorised"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=26"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=26"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=26"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kyharkinscounselling.co.uk\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=26"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}