This is such a common issue with many of my clients and can control their lives completely.
Many people come to me saying they want to stop overthinking – taking a situation and turning it into something huge which actually over takes their brain and controls their behaviour.
No matter what a client’s ‘problem’ is, overthinking or catasprophizing nearly always comes into the conversation.
My clients say things such as:
I am never going to be happy in my relationship/job/life
Im always going to feel like this, there is no point in life
Everyone hates me, everything is my fault
I cannot ever hold down a relationship
I am going to be unhappy/in pain/broken forever
I will never get over this grief
I am going to get ill and die
I am useless
Or more specific worries related to their lives, ie. I am going to lose my house if the cost of living keeps increasing.
These feelings and beliefs feel so true and real and can fill the client with an overwhelming sense of doom that they literally cannot get out of their brains.
When working with a client feeling this way, there are a few different approaches to take and ways that we explore these thoughts.
- My first action will be to explore the thought and find out what evidence they have to prove the thought true. Sometimes there is some evidence but most of the time there isn’t a lot. By looking at this, my clients can quickly see that their thought is unrealistic and learn to let go of the thought, or at least control it better.
- Next I will help the client explore more realistic thoughts and get them into the habit of challenging their negative automatic thoughts as and when they arise. My clients often say they imagine me sitting on their shoulder and think ‘what would Ky say?’
- Next I might ask what control do they have over the ‘thing’ they are worrying about? For example, someone worrying excessively about the recent price increases in everything.This is a very real worry but I ask them if worrying is going to change the situation? Will it stop the prices going up? Will it mean you have enough money to cover everything?No!! Although I am not undermining how real the current cost of living crisis is, by worrying incessantly, losing sleep, making yourself ill with worry, it is not going to stop the prices increasing or give you more money!Once we have explored this, we can start looking on what ‘real’ actions can be taken to assist with the situation.
- Often negative thoughts can come from a deep routed core belief a person has about themselves or a way they should behave or standards they have set themselves.This takes a bit longer to explore as the work involves identifying where the thought or belief came from (mostly childhood) and then we look at how true that belief is, or who set that rule, why do they have to do that thing/behave in that way?Most of the time this stuff comes from unspoken messages we have picked up as a child that are not true. For example, I must be a perfectionist to be a decent human being, I must always be strong to be a good man, or sadly many people have received such strong messages that they are no good or not wanted, either from parents, bullies, previous relationships etc, so it must be true! But of course it’s not!These are just a few examples of ways to conquer the overthinking and worry and to challenge the thought;how true is the thought, what evidence do I have to back it up?can I change the situation, will worrying/overthinking stop the ‘thing’ from happeningself affirmations to challenge the beliefself care to look after yourselfrelaxation/mindfulness/meditation – a relaxed body creates a relaxed mindThese are all tools I teach my clients but things they can do themselves.They do not need me to tell them there is no evidence to back up that worry, they can do it themselves.They don’t need me to help them relax, they can do it themselves.And they don’t need me to tell themselves positive things about themselves.Anyone who has worked with me, knows that my goal is to share the tools so you can go away and do these things on your own.Once these new behaviours have been established it can be literally life changing as I’m sure many of my clients will agree. Please comment if you are nodding your head now Although we think our brain is in control of us and I don’t deny it feels like that sometimes but we do have the choice to take that control back!And one last question I ask that can be challenging but SO valuable: ‘Who are you waiting to save you?’People worry about their life, relationships, jobs etc and can talk about the problems until they are blue in the face but no-one is going to save you! Only you can take control and make the changes!!A tough concept to appreciate but so true!!I know this is not a casting statement that applies to all but if it applies to you, make the changes now!